1.31.2025 11:16 PM

i feel so awful and it was just internal before but then i binged it was a combination of my suffocating feeling of loneliness, my terror about the near future, the fact that i had nobody to talk to, the fact that i wanted to talk to shayan about it but i convinced myself that he would probably just get annoyed, and the fact that i was high beforehand which just made me hungry. but now im full of pizza and chocolate powder and cheesy ramen and im one step away from my goal and i keep restricting one day and binging the next and that cant happen ill go nowhere and ill be in the same spot i have been for the past almost 4 years now idk how i used to do it i need to find a way to find my way of thinking back then i never used to binge this much idek what id do i think binging for me was just eating a lot of sweets but even then idk i was just so casual about it all my stomach hurts i feel so gross and i feel so unfulfilled i cant keep trying to eat away the void in my heart but i cant share this with anybody nobody will understand maybe michael but idk imm so glad hes in my life but i just wish shayan cared about me i wish he would comfort me and i wish i was a pleasure to have for him but im not im some annoying girl and hes always just using me for attention but i kind of do the same thing so idek i just feel so sick this is the worst i wish that right now i was super thin and frail and blue with sunken features and dead eyes and i wish he was holding me and i wish that the weakened but desperate sense of agitation in my starved body would cease at the feeling of his warmth embracing me.

things to do when you want to binge (please fucking do them you keep forgetting)

1. remind yourself what it's really about, it's not about the rumbling in your stomach, you've just found a poor excuse for actually feeling something

2. go on tumblr

3. brush your teeth

4. if you can, get a white monster

5. call someone

6. look at pictures of alice glass

7. sit down and think about why u want to binge

8. read this

9. wip

i know this is the worst but genuinely im just going to try my hardest to starve myself or go on a fast tomorrow bc i cant anymore i deserve punishment for being this slobby and this fat and this undisciplined