it's a feeling for sure

not a thought

a feeling walking the tightrope really well

stumbling really well

in a way i remember

that isn't quite a stain nor a mark

or a hole nor a ravine

or death nor life

or a 2010 nissan nor a park

or a smile nor a frown

or a suit nor a gown

hiding between that one night we stayed silent on the phone trying to hear the owl you spotted on a really tall tree

and between the mp3 files i shared with you that i dont think you listened to

and between the dream i had where you held me firmly in my mom's room

and between how familiar your face felt

and between every black cat i'd walk side by side with in the summer

and between all of the tears you'd rip out of me

and between a sad chord

and between a happy one

not too bitter

not too sweet

somewhere inbetween

if i find where it's hiding

are you gonna be there?

are you looking for it too

have you been thinking like me

have you been lying like me

if i dont find you there

i couldnt have found the feeling either

you must be looking too

you must be

it smells of fern and ocean

beaches and wheat fields

swamps and forests

heaven and hell

i wish i could end these poems with a note of hope but that would be a lie. i dont find hope in this. i dont find hope in moving forwards and forgetting about you and nuturing my will to live, and then remembering again. that fills me with despair. this is a piece about despair. not about you. this is a piece about having been lost in a forest for weeks and i have nothing to sustain myself with and im on the verge of starving and my body is fighting with my will to walk and its need to rest