it's a feeling for sure
not a thought
a feeling walking the tightrope really well
stumbling really well
in a way i remember
that isn't quite a stain nor a mark
or a hole nor a ravine
or death nor life
or a 2010 nissan nor a park
or a smile nor a frown
or a suit nor a gown
hiding between that one night we stayed silent on the phone trying to hear the owl you spotted on a really tall tree
and between the mp3 files i shared with you that i dont think you listened to
and between the dream i had where you held me firmly in my mom's room
and between how familiar your face felt
and between every black cat i'd walk side by side with in the summer
and between all of the tears you'd rip out of me
and between a sad chord
and between a happy one
not too bitter
not too sweet
somewhere inbetween
if i find where it's hiding
are you gonna be there?
are you looking for it too
have you been thinking like me
have you been lying like me
if i dont find you there
i couldnt have found the feeling either
you must be looking too
you must be
it smells of fern and ocean
beaches and wheat fields
swamps and forests
heaven and hell
i wish i could end these poems with a note of hope but that would be a lie. i dont find hope in this. i dont find hope in moving forwards and forgetting about you and nuturing my will to live, and then remembering again. that fills me with despair. this is a piece about despair. not about you. this is a piece about having been lost in a forest for weeks and i have nothing to sustain myself with and im on the verge of starving and my body is fighting with my will to walk and its need to rest