Hi, ,. Maybe one day you will read this.

maybe i can start with the fact that... I really really hope one day you will read this. i can start by saying that if i was told you'd never read this, i would overcome that upset ultimately but. it would terrify me. i wouldn't know what to do. Because as disgustingly overplayed as this phrase is, i have truly never met anyone like you. if i were to isolate myself or my relationship with you, just on your own you are an incredibly loving, artistic, and eccentric person. i have never really known of someone who is able to wield that particular brand of magic that you cast so effortlessly. It bleeds out of you, and you let it soak everything you touch. To me, it can even have a color. To me, it is so palpable it hurts. I sensed it since i first met you and i knew from the very beginning if i were to ever have to lose that it would break me to my core.

and...... i dont like admitting that at all. I dont like admitting that i value someone that deeply. I dont like admitting that i dont want to lose you. it's not like i'm afraid of it. i know it wont happen. but my primal sureness is overcast by doubt. why am i so sure. why am i so sure of you. I ask myself that constantly. i dont like that. i feel like i come off obsessive and strange and lesser than you. i have no power over you. we're not inbalanced. i dont want to be. i dont play power games with you and i do with basically everyone else, even my dearest friends. I just want to see you happy. but. my complex tells me that it isnt possible to be balanced with anybody. and im scared that if i feel this way, you must be the person i usually am with people who have professed this to me. You must be distant, you must be detached, you must not care as much as I do, you must read this with a wash of disgust tainting every word your eyes touch. And everytime im proven wrong i find a new rebuttal. But I really really hope that you understand. I hope that you value me. That's my deepest darkest secret. I hope that I'm profoundly important to you. I hope to god that the feeling is mutual.

When I met you it felt like meeting someone I had known my entire life. Like I was speaking a secret language I thought nobody knew until you came along. Scratch that, before i had even spoken a word for you there was something not verbally comprehensible that drew me to you. I loved the way you posted. I loved the images you shared. I loved your videos. I loved the way you typed. I loved what you would say online. I loved the colors you had. Youre colorful to me. There was something beautifully sinister about you. I felt an intensely attractive darkness eminating from you and i was very happy to see you had followed me back. I went to your following list and realized you follow everyone back. lol. And then you liked my story and it made me wonder who you were. And when i heard your music I was truly enchanted. I know that often times you talk down on yourself or well maybe you dont see your music in the way that i do but it's like a beautiful sparkling crimson lullaby . I had to message u and when we first started talking i had never felt so.. i dont know.. excited. in my life. speaking to somebody. I cant even describe it. You are just incredible. We grew close insanely fucking fast and everytime id see your face id feel so transcendentally at ease and safe and sound. And yeah i think there is something deeply spiritual about our friendship. and i wont lie. When we were talking you'd hurt me. It was so conflicting. Because you were simultaneously kindhearted and loving and also inconsiderate and clueless in a way that held a knife and would stab me. But i dont know, looking back a lot of what used to confuse me i realize was mostly innocent. I was also really really really really really insecure. And was still in a mindset fixed in lack when it came to love. Actually, Im deeply grateful for the pain I went through with you because it eliminated that entirely. THat doesnt nullify the pain i was put through especially during June and July but i forgive you. I forgive you like it's second nature i've never had to think about it. I'll always understand and forgive you or at least try to.

i remember talking about you to christina a lot and she said that im never going to meet anyone like you again and i really think thats true not just because youre one of a kind because truthfully theres someone out there whos better than you and theres someone out there thats better than me and theres someone out there probably like you but tenfold in some kind of way but we share experiences and pasts and also memories TOGETHER that make you like gold to me and i wouldnt trade you for anybody i wouldnt want to drop you for the world. its like. i dont want a better u. i just want you. i just like you. i really fucking need you to understand what that means coming from me that means a lot maybe you do get it. but i dotn know i feel like you dont because ive always shown you kindness and love and time and patience. u've never seen my inconsiderate and cold side. i need u to understand how valuable that is. maybe u do. idk. im just a scared person. I think ur scared too sometimes and i really love that about you i probably love everything you hate about yourself and also everything you love about yourself and if im being completely honest im really scared because every other guy ive met since has not compared to you in the slightest and i have no clue where else im going to find a connection anywhere near as valuable or special as the one i have with u. i dont know if im just going to have to settle for someone else for the rest of my life. As far as i know, you dont want to date me. And as far as i know im only a friend to you and you like it that way. And Im happy we're friends. I am beyond happy we're friends. I cant even describe how happy i am. But I cant lie to myself, I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up to your adoring eyes every morning and be of service to you and you the same for me. I want to marry you and i want to have a family with you. That is just something I cannot hide no matter how pleased I am with what we currently are. And i really really really dont know what to do. and im just writing this to feel better. maybe itll lead me somewhere. maybe i have to clean something out. maybe this will never meet anyone's eyes but my own.

you are very weird. sometimes you insert unrelated phrases or words into your sentences and i somehow understand it anyway. I like to pretend i dont but i do. you think constantly i relate to your ruminative habits especially as they were during ur time in middle school i was the same way im sure u know. you are incredibly observant and i notice u pay attention to what people do extremely . you are humble yet egotistical at the same time lol you have a sense of humor i understand well you have a beautiful smile and when you smile your already very half closed eyes squint even more and it brings to your face this incredibly endearing sense of bliss. when you love someone you are loyal to the bitter end and have no issue providing for them and i think you like being there for the people you love. you greatly affect everyone who comes across you and i hope to god you get famous only so that a large sum of people can be moved by your life-changing existence . you were mistreated a lot by people i feel sometimes even like an animal would be but you dont deserve that at all you deserve incredible things and you deserve a neverending fountain of the purest love and growth and wisdom . and when you face pain you take it with pride and if youre ever in a state of lack i know for a fact with all of my heart that youll get through it strongly and also gently and also in the way most suitable for your life and if you ever ever have a problem you already know i will sit and listen to it and try to help you every step of the way. you have a very sweet and gentle and flowery side you have an aggressive and flaming and passionate side you have a clever and bandit-like and witty side you have a slow and dense and stubborn and hurtful side you have a calculative and suspicious and detail-oriented side you have many many many more sides and i love them all and every good and bad thing about you i really love it even when it angers me even when i want nothing to do with it i swear i do and i accept you fully and i never ever want you to think ill ever judge you bc i wont and i trust you . its hard for me to trust you in certain things i dont trust youll be constantly present i dont trust all of your promises i dont always trust your word but ultimately i trust you and i think youre a good person. i want you to heal, i want you to prosper, i want you to be well fed, i want you to be at peace, i want you to feel safe, i want you to feel satisfied, i want you to feel loved, i want you to feel alive. . . . . idk if its my purpose to help you get there but to whoever or whomever is endowed with that (i know that youre also responsible for that ultimately anybody who helps you is just a catalyst to nurturing that within yourself) i know they are an incredible person and i wish you two the best of luck forever i think youre truly blessed. i think i am too.

i think youre really gorgeous also. i wrote a page or two of just your face one time , starting from i think your hair to your neck and i described every detail i could because youre insanely beautiful especially your eyes your eyes have a lot of love in them theyre very bright and amber colored they are framed with long wispy eyelashes i love the shape of your lips and your nose and your skull and your eyebrows and your hair and your neck and your shoulders and your chest and your stomach and your waist etc. etc. etc. etc. um if you ever feel insecure about the way you look just know theres a girl out there who finds every part of you effervescently gorgeous.

i never want to do you wrong if i ever harm you im deeply sorry and ill be here to heal that wound , if you ever think anything i do may be out of a dislike of you or out of annoyance or out of being bothered or whatever (like the time u thought i was leaving u on read but i was really thinking of what to say) just know my intentions with you are always pure and i never even have lied to you before maybe that sounds like bullshit but i swear it's true . the last thing i want is for you to be in pain because of me and i would especially never think of doing that purposefully you are so precious to me.

and lastly im not gonna lie. i dont think you feel this way. i do think im important to you and i do think you care and i do think you love me even if the love isnt romantic but i just cant imagine me having this much importance to you and maybe im wrong and to be honest i hope im wrong but i dont know . and it makes me cry because i genuinely dont know what im gonna do. i dont know what im gonna do Shayan. i dont know who else i could love. i dont know what to do with anyone else in this whole world. youre irreplacable .

i want to go up there and see you and see all of our friends. i think honestly ive found a home up there even though ive never even been. youve introduced me to so many incredible people im forever indebted to you thank you so much for that. thank you so much for existing and for being who you are.

I'm hoping to god you read this. I'm hoping because if you did that meant i sent it to you and if i sent it to you that meant that i felt i wouldnt be judged and ultimately that i had hope you'd reciprocate or at least understand. Not only do I hope you read it, but I also hope you read it with joy in the air. I hope that when you read it we're in a positive place. I hope there's no extreme pain, malice, malignance, trauma or tears . I love you Shayan. I love you so so so so so much I hope u know that. thank you. i love you.

- andrea