there is next to nothing you can do, not including satiating basic needs, by yourself. the world (as far as i know) is far too infinite, far too terrifying, far too beautiful, far too bleak, far too disengaging for one person to handle all by themselves. in fact, it goes against our basic biology. but we seem to forget this far too often. and i'm not talking about the world as the "World". i'm not talking about the World as that sort of esoteric, ideal, general concept of reality many seem to reference when uttering that word. i am talking about this world, this industrialized world, this brutally mundane world, this world of busses, professionalism and cruelty. this world of deadlines, concrete, miscommunication, wheat fields, maple trees, deserts, poverty, murder, abuse, rape, love and death. this anti-moralist, yet also hyper-moralist world. this world that cannot be contained or envisioned in any word or by any linguist or by any psychoanalyst or by any poet or by any painter, or by any priest. it is simply too much.

i am also writing in reference to the expectation we hold of the world.

there is disappointment sewn into everything, and just as much wonder as well. there is a dualism that is the blood that pumps by way of the heart of this reality. that is all fine. i can talk forever about how things can be nice, and about how things can be not nice. i can talk forever about this in its most elementary state. but that fact in and of itself is not the dilemma, it is the idea that one could ever withhold it all by themselves.

say you have many, many, many friends. and you meet them all. and it is all lovely, you find great joy in connecting with these people. sometimes you grow out of that group, and onto the next. sometimes you are satisfied with what you have. sometimes you are all at a distance. sometimes you spend every day together. sometimes you realize they are all actually very ugly. and sometimes you realize love exists only because there is ugliness to be found in others. but this is all digestible if you have people. this is not digestible on your own.

your consciousness will begin to compensate for the lack of others, and create others in your own mind. it will engage in that game and it will be so preocupied with managing the ever hastening, ever evolving matters of things that the very small percentage of your brain that *is* conscious and that *is* aware of this will ascend (or descend) far, very far, from your body, and from what is material. this is often the case with those who enter deep spiritual retreats or lessons without a guide, a face or a hand to hold. this is often the case with those who decide to study Kabbalah completely by themselves, you genuinely "lose your mind" haha.

but i notice so often that the "progress" which we are expected to invent, maintain and present, is largely individualistic.

how is this possible? how are you supposed to, disregarding the myriad of flaws in the very system itself, maintain good academic performance, pick a school, pick a career, pursue the career, create a living and all the rest? how is it even remotely reasonable to disregard the humanity of every living, capable person in this country and expect even for one second for the very country to stand on its own two feet?

of course, for a while the real world wasn't as violently capitalist, and as violently "efficient", but it is really really becoming so.

there are so many exceptions, like, if you want to pursue something but it is in another country where you will truly find success and your community is staying here, i say go for it. i say go ahead and leave it all behind. i also stand for the necessity of isolation, i am not extreme in this stance of promoting the necessity of community. but why do i even have to establish that?

i don't know, for some this isn't really a question at all. for some, this comes as naturally as breathing. but truthfully, i am quite the lonely person. and i think lots and lots of people are as well, without realizing it. i think lots of people call too many other people their friends. please, ask yourself what a friend truly is to you, and answer that honestly. then, with the upmost sincerity, see how many people fit that description. if they don't, it isn't some criticism of their character, and it isn't like they're now under some unspoken mission to reach those expectations, it is just .............. a thought..............

i am just very worried, very alone, and very young. thank you.